The wrath of grapes.

THIS IS AN URGENT SAFETY ALERT….

Grapes are NOT our friends!

The wrath of the grapes

Two days ago, perhaps three, I was accosted by a grape at the grocery store. One minute I was gliding into the grocery and the next I was BOOM, down on the floor.

Once I got used to my new vantage point of the produce department, I saw the remains of a grape smeared on the floor. I won’t even DESCRIBE the carnage on the bottom of my shoe. I’d been accosted by a grape, I’m sure it was an attack.

Mind you, I know it’s possible that it was an innocent grape…I had considered  possible explanations for the grape being on the floor. Was this a simple case of a grape vine not doing it’s job,loosening it’s grip on the grape and causing it to fly desperately into space? With no arms, the grape would have had no choice but to stay on the floor after it landed.

But is that what REALLY happened? I’m not convinced, I was picking up a hostile vibe from the grape juice. In the absence of a reliable grape witness who can vouch for the motivation of the suspect grape, I feel it’s my civic duty to warn others.

BEWARE OF GRAPES! There is a possibility that rogue grapes are lying in wait, primed to sacrifice their lives in an effort to make other grapes laugh at the humans slipping and falling. 

Grapes are devious. You’ve been warned.

 

 

All Points Bulletin!

Be on the lookout for baseball players missing their shadows!

At the old ball game

These shadows have been spotted acting erratically. The public should not be terribly alarmed unless one of these shadows attempts to attach itself to them.

 

If approached by a shadow, say “how you doing Bob?”, but don’t make eye contact, which might prove to be difficult in any case.

 

Somebody lost their shadow

Please report all sightings to the nearest baseball team and ask if they’re missing any shadows. Then ask if there’s a reward.

WHAT YOUR GARDEN IS REALLY TALKING ABOUT…

7069

 

(I know this little story is all kinds of a mess grammatically speaking, along with all kinds of other improper treatment of the english language…but you know me…when the mood strikes, watch out…I’ll write anything. Apologizing in advance…)

I WAS QUITE PLEASED WITH MY JOB IN MY NEW GARDEN HOME, THE GARDENER CALLED ME IMPORTANT, BUT HER VOICE HELD A “TONE”.

SETTLED IN, I DISCOVERED A POT WITH A SQUIRREL CLINGING TO IT…I DECIDED TO ASK IF THE POT EVEN KNEW IT.

“HEY-HO LITTLE CLAY, WHO’S THE FRIEND ON YOUR HEAD?”

“A COMPLETE STRANGER TO ME,” THE LITTLE POT SAID.

“DO YOU CARE THAT IT’S FEET MIGHT BE DIRTY AND YUCKY?” 

“NOT A BIT,” SAID THE POT. “I COUNT MYSELF LUCKY.”

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND,” I QUESTIONED AGAIN. “YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THOSE FEET MIGHT HAVE BEEN.”

“SQUIRREL FEET ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO A FLOWER…WITH THEM COME DEMANDS, AT LEAST ONE AN HOUR.”

THE POT WASN’T FINISHED, IT WAS JUST GETTING STARTED…THE CHAT I’D ENJOYED WAS NO LONGER LIGHT-HEARTED.

“A FLOWER COMPLAINS, ‘I’M TOO DRY, I’M TOO WET…WHY HASN’T SOMEONE THROWN MULCH ON ME YET? TO TOP IT ALL OFF, IT GROWS ROOTS THAT ARE FICKLE AND AFTER A WHILE THOSE ROOTS START TO TICKLE.

STILL…I’D STILL RATHER BE ME, I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT YOU,” THE POT SAID WITH CONVICTION THAT REALLY RANG TRUE.

“I’M OFFENDED!” I CHALLENGED. THE POT JUST LOOKED WISER.

“YOU DO KNOW OF COURSE, THAT YOU’RE FERTILIZER?

HE FREAKED ME OUT FIRST…

Who's freaking who out? (1 of 1)

 

 

AFTER OLIVER GOT DONE WRESTLING WITH THE PRACTICE TIGER AND THE MOUSE AND THE DOG, HE WAS KIND OF TIRED. HE WAS GETTING READY FOR  A SNOOZE IN THE SUN WHEN I NOTICED THE EYES BEHIND  HIM…AND THEN I NOTICED HIS EYES…AND THEN I JUST FREAKED OUT!

IT WAS A WHOLE LOT LESS STRESSFUL UP ON THE  SPACESHIP TAKING ALL THOSE TESTS…YOU HAVE TO READ A FEW POSTS BACK TO KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

THEY TOLD ME THAT I SCORED 1,700 OUT OF 2 ON MY TESTS.  I GUESS THAT’S A GOOD SCORE BECAUSE THEY GAVE ME THIS REALLY COOL TATTOO. 

I DON’T READ ALIEN WORDS REAL WELL…BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A STRING OF LETTERS….

THESE ARE THE LETTERS….M…O…R…O…N…      I KNOW THAT’S SHORT FOR SOMETHING.

MAYBE “MOST ORIGINAL ROUTE OF NEURONS”…

MAYBE “MAGNIFICENT ORATOR ,..RADIANT NARCISSIST.”

SORRY, I STARTED OUT TALKING ABOUT OLIVER, I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE IT ALL ABOUT ME.