NO GLASS SLIPPER…


Black and Pink (1 of 1)

 

THE IMAGE ABOVE IS DEFINITELY NOT THAT OF A GLASS SLIPPER…CINDERELLA STYLE.                 THIS IS NOT A STORY OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER…BUT IT COULD BE.

I’M GOING TO VEER WAY OFF COURSE WITH THIS POST. THIS BLOG IS NORMALLY DEDICATED TO THINGS THAT I FIND BEAUTIFUL…AMAZING…HEARTWARMING…JOYFUL.

THIS POST IS ABOUT MY CONCERN WITH WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO A GENERATION OF SOME YOUNG MEN AND I FULLY EXPECT, SOME OF OUR YOUNG WOMEN ALSO. PLEASE NOTE, I SAID “SOME”.

OUR FAMILY RECENTLY WENT THROUGH THE JOY OF A WEDDING, AND AFTER THREE MONTHS…WE ARE GOING THROUGH THE PAIN OF THE END OF THAT MARRIAGE. 

I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON…BUT I HAVE HEARD THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AND OVER. A COUPLE GETS MARRIED…WITHIN A VERY SHORT TIME, THE BRIDE OR GROOM DECIDES THAT THEY WOULD RATHER GO BACK TO THEIR FORMER LIFESTYLE. MARRIAGE COMES WITH A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY AND THAT COMES AS QUITE A SHOCK TO A LOT OF OUR YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY. 

I KEEP WONDERING, WHEN I HEAR THE SAME STORY REPEATED…HOW WERE THESE YOUNG ADULTS RAISED TO THINK THAT WHEN YOU DISAGREE WITH SOMEONE, YOU ELIMINATE THAT PERSON FROM YOUR LIFE..COMPROMISE IS NOT TO BE TOLERATED. IT IS EVERYONE’S JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

ARE REALITY SHOWS TO BLAME FOR THE INCREASING NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS WHO DO NOT WANT TO MAKE THE TRANSITION TO ADULTHOOD…WHO PREFER PARTYING OVER HOME AND FAMILY AND BELIEVE THAT AGGRESSIVE, DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR IS THE NORM AND DESERVED WHEN THEY ARE DISAGREED WITH.

I RAISED MY CHILDREN TO RESPECT THEIR PEERS AND THEIR ELDERS. TO BEHAVE IN A DECENT MANNER…TO BE GOOD CITIZENS…TO HAVE COMPASSION… TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS TO ACT WITH DIGNITY AND TO LIVE THEIR LIVES IN A WAY THAT THEY CAN ALWAYS BE PROUD OF. I DON’T KNOW THAT I DID THAT GOOD OF A JOB, BUT I’M PROUD OF ALL THREE OF MY CHILDREN AND THEY LEAD GOOD, PRODUCTIVE LIVES. (ONE OF THEM IS NURSING A BROKEN HEART…BUT HEARTS HEAL AND I’M STANDING WITH HER ALL THE WAY.)

I’M HEARING SO MANY STORIES OF HEARTBREAK AND BROKEN MARRIAGES THAT STEM FROM SELFISHNESS AND THE “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” MENTALITY. THE FRIGHTENING THING IS THAT THERE IS NO REMORSE WHEN HURT AND DAMAGE IS DONE. THERE IS NO TAKING OF RESPONSIBILITY…THERE IS A LOT OF “I’M THE VICTIM HERE,” BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN’T GET THEIR WAY.

SO ENOUGH OF MY RAMBLING…BUT HERE IS ONE LAST THOUGHT..OR TWO.

THIS IS MY MESSAGE, MY PLEA, TO ALL OF THE MAMA’S AND DADDY’S OUT THERE.

IF YOU BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, LOVE IT. 

IT SOUNDS SILLY TO SIMPLY SAY “LOVE IT”.       IT’S NOT SILLY…OVER AND OVER I’VE LEARNED THAT THE INDIVIDUALS WHO ABANDON THEIR MARRIAGES DIDN’T HAVE PARENTS WHO EXPRESSED THEIR LOVE FOR THEIR CHILDREN. EXPRESS YOUR LOVE NOT JUST THROUGH KISSES AND HUGS, SHOW AN INTEREST IN WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THEIR LIVES, NOT JUST WHILE THEY’RE A YOUNG CHILD, BUT ON INTO HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE, 

LOVE YOUR CHILD ENOUGH TO GIVE OF YOURSELF AND TEACH YOUR CHILD THE THINGS THAT WILL HELP THEM TO HAVE A VALUABLE, DECENT LIFE.  TEACH THEM TO RESPECT THE PEOPLE HE OR SHE COMES INTO CONTACT WITH.

PARENTS USED TO NEED A LITTLE “ME TIME”…BUT SOMEHOW THAT LITTLE BIT OF “ME TIME”, TURNED INTO A MUCH LARGER BIT OF TIME. (HMMMM..COULD THERE BE A CONNECTION TO THE, “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” PROBLEM MENTIONED ABOVE…MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO?”

IF YOU HAVE A CHILD, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY…THAT’S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

IT AIN’T PRETTY, IT’S MESSY, IT’S REAL LIFE, IT’S FREAKING HARD… RAISING A HUMAN IS SERIOUS…IT’S IMPORTANT!

YOU ARE BOTH RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DIRECTION THAT YOUR CHILD’S LIFE TAKES. LOVE YOUR CHILD MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOURSELF. DON’T GIVE IN TO THEIR EVERY DEMAND AND DESIRE…LOVE DOESN’T REQUIRE YOU TO BE AFRAID TO MAKE THEM UNHAPPY…UNHAPPY IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THEIR LIVES…LET THEM LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

AS THEY GET OLDER, GIVE THEM CHORES, MAKE THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR SEEING A TASK THROUGH. TEACH THEM TO SHARE. TALK ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP AND DISCUSS HOW YOU GO ABOUT MAKING THAT HAPPEN.

BE THEIR PARENT NOT THEIR FRIEND. NEVER GIVE UP. 

IF YOU RAISE A KIND, COMPASSIONATE, UNSELFISH HUMAN…YOU WILL HAVE MADE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. YOU WILL HAVE SUCCEEDED AND  EXCELLED AT ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT JOBS ON THIS EARTH.

YOU WILL BE MY HERO. 

 

 

 

 

I’M AWARE THAT THIS MAY BE AN UNPOPULAR POINT OF VIEW…MY APOLOGIES IF I OFFEND ANYONE…I JUST FELT THE NEED TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART. MY APOLOGIES IF I’M TOO “PREACHY”. 

 

62 thoughts on “NO GLASS SLIPPER…

  1. I’m sorry to hear what your daughter has been through… My mother has sometimes said that marriage is about self-education, you have to constantly work on yourself, learn from each other. When I was younger, I found this sounded harsh, and not very tempting, but as I’ve now been married for ten years myself (still a beginner!) I see clearly what she means. It’s a dance of give and take, but it has to come from both sides, and when it works, it’s great.
    Good for your daughter that she stepped out so early (imagine if they already had children), it must be very painful. I wish strength to her and to you all! And no, your post was not preachy, it was valuable.

    1. Thank you for your wise thoughts and observations…your Mother was a smart woman. Congratulations on your ten years of marriage, it is a dance of give and take and you learn new steps to the dance as the years go by….Wishing you many, many more years of marriage…we are working on staying strong…it’s starting to wear me down a bit and I don’t even know how to explain my feelings about how this man has affected my relationship with my daughter…it has always been a wonderful, lucky, loving relationship…but it has gotten more complicated because of his actions and I hope that we get back to what we were someday.
      My best to you…

  2. I admire your daughter’s courage and strength in ending a marriage that surely would have led to him physically abusing her had she tried to stick it out.

  3. I agree with you 110%!!!

    I wish your daughter strength to over-come this heartbreak; strength to see she was not at fault; and strength in herself to remain true to herself. Having lived this experience myself I feel her pain as hopes and dreams are questioned. I lived with my ex for two years before marrying him, yet the morning after the wedding I woke up to a completely different person. It was that quick. On divorcing he still saw no fault on his part.

    Having lived with it and now seeing first-hand how parents won’t scold their children for fear the child will no longer “like” them, it worries me no end as to the world we are creating. At our house there are repercussions for one’s bad behavior (bad behavior includes such things as not taking responsibility for one’s own action, not being respectful, or having not been considerate of others) yet we seem to be in the minority.

    The harsh reality – we are parents first – friendship our reward should we have carried out our role correctly.

    1. I’m sorry that you went through what you did…..My daughter got to enjoy her honeymoon and then the different person showed up….it was, as you said, “that quick”. She dated him two years, and has now said that maybe she should have lived with him first…I’ll relate your experience to her.
      We need more parents such as yourself…lots, lots more….I’m with you, it worries me what kind of “civilized” people are being created.
      You are my hero 🙂

      1. No, your daughter is the hero for getting out so quickly. I have nothing but admiration for your daughter and the relationship you’ve built with her so she knew she had a safety-net! I stuck it out for 12 months thinking/hoping things would change. For me, as horrible as this sounds, I used to go to bed praying he’d hit me so people could see physical evidence of the emotional pain I was going through. Until you lived it no one can appreciate how painful verbal abuse is. It took work colleagues seeing a change in me to give me the strength I needed. Kudos to your daughter for leaving so quickly!

        1. Thanks so much Joanne…she will be lifted up by your encouraging comments…it helps her to hear from my blogging community. I’m sorry that you had to go through those 12 months…I feel so badly for you that it got to the point of your hoping that he would hit you….what a bully he must have been. I’m so glad that you made it through and have gone on to share your story. As I said,it helps to know that others have made it through and regained their sense of “self”. Your terrible time was not for nothing…you have now served a great purpose in helping someone else. 🙂

  4. Heartbreaking news, Suzanne. But so much wisdom in your comments and those from others. Parenting is the toughest job in the world, and I think it’s getting even tougher as society gets more selfish, more crass and crude, more about instant gratification and lack of self-restraint and lack of respect for others. Media reflects that and gives the impression that marriage is easy, convenient, and disposable at will. It’s not, of course. In reality marriage is hard; it’s harder than divorce. It demands giving, sharing, respect, sacrifice, patience. From both partners. Fortunately the stigma of divorce is gone and people no longer have to feel or be locked into a lifetime of unhappiness (or worse). It is right and proper to look out for yourself and get out of a toxic relationship. Marriage does not mean one partner becoming a doormat for the other.

    Hugs to you and your daughter.

    1. You have just added to the wisdom and you expressed it so well.
      I am very grateful that the stigma of divorce is not what it was. Horrible to be locked into a lifetime of misery…we’ve been advised by several pastors, therapists who are friends and women who have lived this for far longer than our daughter did, that the next step would have been physical abuse.
      I am so grateful that we drove and got her that night, found her safe and sound and brought her home unharmed from Chicago,
      I am amazed at the kindness of strangers that night…a security guard who put her in a hotel conference room, brought her a blanket, water, gave her his phone. He then stood guard outside the door to that room for three hours while we made our drive through the night to her.
      It gave her, at that terrible moment, proof that decent people do still exist. It just seems like they are few and far between in her age group.
      I will give her your hug, I know it will help…it helps me!
      xo

      1. In reading your story, I was so afraid the next sentence would be that he’d hit her. So glad she’s safe. Wish I could hug that security guard.

  5. Oh dear Suzanne, I am so sorry to hear this. So heartbreaking, especially for moms…fathers… But she did right. To make a decision in right time… I am sure she will be fine and she will be happy with her smart man in the future. Thanks and Love, nia

    1. Yes, father has his own type of emotions to process this kind of thing, but he wants it put behind us quickly….Moms have to work it out, talk it out, differently and that’s a challenge.
      I pray for “her smart man” to arrive some day…She made my heart hurt one day when she was crying and said, “I want what you and Dad have.” That’s something I can’t make happen…so….hopefully some day the smart man will be here.

    1. She’s such a sweet person…strong…but good and loving.
      We’ll get through it…The soon to be ex doesn’t think we should be helping her….what else are Moms and Dads for??

  6. I only have my own opinion on this subject, so it’s not actually an indepth report. For what it’s worth — I watch my granddaughter have relationships that last a week, a month, and then, poof, gone, over. It’s a throwaway society in which we live. But worse, it’s a world in which kids like my granddaughter, now 18, communicate electronically. They don’t have conversations. They don’t talk about their feelings. They really don’t. They go to bed with each other, even marry each other … but they don’t know much about one another and don’t have the necessary communication skills to work things out. They literally don’t know how. Texting is not a way to work through problems, as it turns out … and that’s what they know.

    1. Your opinion is very insightful…yes…the word we used when this happened, is that he treated our daughter like she was just some “disposable” item. She was just something to “throw away” as you said.
      Emotionally,it’s going to be a very cold, cold world.
      I am torn about posting the events of the evening that caused my daughter’s divorce…it was not a frivolous decision…she wanted her marriage very much.

  7. I’m standing on my chair applauding you. OK, I’m not really standing on my chair but I am applauding you. The reality is that “reality” shows are far from it. They are a disgrace to anyone in the broadcasting industry. In my opinion the challenge to have that perfect dress, that perfect wedding, that perfect wedding performance sets the young people of today up to expect the “perfect marriage”. You and I know there is no such thing. Marriage is hard work…every single day. For the ones who have come up in this “generation of entitlement” (that is what I call it) they are never prepared for the hard work involved in making anything successful, especially marriage. Parents who encourage this attitude of “perfect” entitlement are not doing their children any favours. They leave them unprepared for the real reality that is life. Your children will always be grateful for providing the kind of love it takes to be able to watch your child stumble, fall and pick themselves up again.

    1. Now please don’t fall off that chair!! Your point about entitlement is so important…it can lead to such an empty life. The one thing that perhaps I should have mentioned and may still, is the good that has come out of her experience…such support, from such decent people…there are plenty out there and she is finally seeing how “surrounded by angels” she is…but she is one of the lucky ones…so many people don’t have support and they allow themselves to be bullied into submission by those who think they are entitled and more damage is done…sigh….so sad.

  8. In my opinion divorce is just too easy and is readily accepted by society. In decades past it wasn’t acceptable to divorce so many couples stuck it out and worked through problems. Unfortunately these days young people have been brought up believing they can have everything they want with no consequences to their actions – and with no sense of empathy for others.

    1. I agree that divorce is way too easy these days….We feel that she made the right choice for her own safety. I want to explain the reasons for her decision to divorce. If my anger toward him comes through I apologize, it is not directed toward you.
      She filed for divorce because they went to the wedding of a friend of his in Chicago..a different state from ours. He got drunk and made a fool or himself, dancing on the dance floor by himself, starting to remove his clothing. She said nothing to him, but he knew that she wasn’t happy. His solution? He berated her in front of complete strangers and as a large man, got right up to her face, bent down and shouted at her repeatedly. He allowed a friend of his that she doesn’t even know, to swear at her in front of strangers while hubby stood by and did nothing. He yelled at the staff who helped get her to the reception hall office, away from him and finally left her and returned to their hotel without her…where he collected his belongings, only his belongings…as a result some of hers were stolen, and he then drove,drunk,back to their home here in our state. ….a three hour drive…never once did he call to see if she was safe, where she was, not even when he sobered up. He left her with a dead cell phone, wearing a cocktail dress and heels with no coat on a freezing cold night, and no car.
      He had, two weeks prior, driven back from another wedding in a city two hours away, screaming at her because she wouldn’t dance with him when no one else was dancing…she is shy and he knew all of these things about her when he married her…they were together for two years before they married….none of this behavior happened prior to their wedding…two pastors feel that her husband had some kind of mental break, or has some kind of mental illness. This divorce was not the result of just a person who was not satisfied with her marriage. She is mourning the loss of the man she loved and wants to know where he is…why a stranger took his place.

  9. We sure do live in a different world than the one we grew up in. Your “plea” to parents is reasonable and thoughtful. It’s just that different people have different definitions of love. Love might mean being your child’s friend and not their parent. I think that’s what happened to at least one if not two generations. And the phenomenon you mentioned is the outcome. Children were raised to believe they were the center of the universe and they had the right to have “it all” (whatever “it” was). The mentality of entitlement without personal responsibility is so damaging to the social fabric that holds a society together.

    I think that, eventually, these generations will come to understand their role as active members of society–as givers, not just takers. Experience is the best teacher as long as parents resist the urge to insulate them from the consequence of their selfish actions. That’s what real love is in my book: loving them enough to allow them to fail and being there for them to provide honesty if they ask for it and emotional support to give it all another go. But not to be an eternal crutch. My mother set me free at 18 years of age and that was that. Kids today would think that was child abandonment!

  10. Strength to everyone during this time – especially your daughter. I’m not sure if reality shows are the cause. After all, does society mimic reality shows, or do reality shows mimic society … although I lean toward the first. Nonetheless, your words are direct and from the heart – kind of like a velvet hammer. 😉 … which is a good thing. Be strong!

  11. I couldn’t agree more Suzanne. I devoted my life to raising my kids, and I taught them to appreciate everything in their lives, whether it be people or “things”. As a result of the involvement my hubby and I had with our kids, our home was the gathering place for other kids. Maybe they missed what they didn’t get at home. It disturbs me as well how people nowadays don’t take marriage seriously. They don’t want to have to work for anything, including their happiness, and it’s too easy just to give up. Holy crap, there have been many times during my 25 years of marriage that I thought my hubby and I would split up, but we worked through it, with give and take, and we’re still here :). Here’s another sad example of the generation you are describing. My hubby came home yesterday and told me that they had given out bonuses to their workers, which they do every year at this time. They also found out that one of their workers (who has been there quite a few years) is leaving for another job. After being handed a $5,000 bonus cheque, one of the managers asked him why he was leaving, and this little shithead had the balls to say “because the money is no good here”. Can you believe that? I was so disgusted, but I can honestly say that neither of my boys would ever have a response like that because of how we raised them. My oldest son works for my husband’s company during the summer months, and for the first time ever he will be getting a bonus this year, and I know without a doubt that he is going to be incredibly shocked and thankful. I can’t wait to see his face :).

    1. I am floored to thing that employee had the nerve to say something so rude! After being handed a $5,000 check?!?
      Good riddance to him.
      I am proud of your son, I am proud of you and I thank God that there are mothers out there like you, who are doing the very hard work of raising decent humans…
      My husband and I have been together 37 years and at times we hit rough patches…but I always asked myself, have I done everything I can, given what I should have, when I should have. Am I being fair to him and honest with myself. The result? Something that no money could ever buy, something to treasure and to be forever grateful for.
      The young who feel entitled will, I suspect never experience this.
      You’re a gem 🙂

  12. That seems to be the way of the world these days….may be I am getting too old to understand but find it hard at times to understand what are now known as ‘relationships’. Always worse when young families are involved….just how do you explain to them the situation that they are possibly in the centre of….I don’t know?

    1. I have found, in talking to my daughter, that behavior that once would have been shameful and unacceptable is quite the norm….I feel as you do…I just don’t understand.
      I thank God that she did not have a child with him…the pain stops with her, and that’s a blessing.

  13. Sometimes we just don’t see something like this coming. I believe everything you said is true. Give her a hug from your crazy friend here.

    1. I will Reggie….she will appreciate it.
      I went into a lot of details in my response to Colline’s comment about what happened and the fact that no one saw this coming and we don’t understand how he hid it, right up until the wedding day…that day I knew it wouldn’t last.
      No wonder marriage is on the decline.

      1. Well, I’m no “sage” but it seems to me that couples nowadays might want to consider entering marriage as a business arrangement, because once the “honeymoon” is over (and it will be at some point), then they’re left with what each party brings to the table. My Grandma told me that, and she and my Grandpa were married for nearly 60 years. She also said that women give too much and that when we’re young, we can get caught up in the idea of being in love with love … wise woman. I wish I had learned this the first time around for me.

        1. Pre-marital agreements might not be such a bad idea.
          The Pastor that married them, told me after this happened that most of the people he deals with in their meetings before the marriage are in lust, not in love.
          Your Grandma was a VERY wise woman. I’m sorry that you had to experience this kind of thing…no one should.
          Daughter LOVED the hug you asked me to give her…brought a big smile to her face 🙂
          xo

    1. Thank you Anneli…
      I feel that I could have expressed it much better and other bloggers have made some very good points and added to the picture of these generations. I hope and pray that you are right and that she finds someone worthy.

      1. I know she will. It just takes time. Sometimes failed first marriages are a blessing because they teach you what to watch out for in a partner next time. Painful as they are, I think these “practice marriages” can end up being a good thing in the long run. It’s just very hard at the time.

  14. This is a very good post, thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙂 Come to think of a saying by an old president of yours “Self-interest is the enemy of all true affection.”

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