AND THAT’S WHY I HAVE NIGHTMARES…

Makes me want to pile up the straw and take a little nap or get a spinning wheel and turn that straw into spun gold…wasn’t that a fairy tale?

Wasn’t there a hobbit in that fairy tale who had so many children it didn’t know what to do?  I think the  hobbit went over to the neighbors and tried out all of the beds and stuff in the house and it was either too big or too small.  After the hobbit broke a chair or two trying them out, the ornery little hobbit went across the street and huffed and puffed and blew some poor little rabbits house down.

The story gets worse!  He was nimble, he was quick but he couldn’t jump over a candlestick so his pants caught on fire and he chased a cow around Chicago while he was on fire and burned down most of the city!  His reign of terror continued when he pushed Auntie Em into the pig pen and told Toto to run put on some ruby slippers and kick the good witch in the pants.

This is all too awful!!  The next thing that happens  is that he fell down a rabbit hole, dug by the rabbit whose house he burnt down.    While he was down in the hole he started wearing a red cape and grew great big teeth and ears and ran around yelling, “who’s afraid of me?” and “Tell your Grandma I’m coming over and she’d better have cookies and milk and a poison apple on the table or I’ll make her run up the hill and fetch a pail of water.”  Well nobody was willing to make their Grandma run up a hill so he got so mad that he wasn’t watching where he was going and he fell UP the hole and met a cute, round, bear with honey all over himself…and two kids who were eating a gingerbread house.

The hobbit was just walking by when a little piglet, who was a friend of the honey covered bear, snatched him up and  tied him to a cow that jumped over the moon with him on it’s back.  I think at the end of the fairy tale the hobbit is tired and hungry and walking through Atlanta looking for Elvis.  He meets up with this nasty woman wearing a dress made out of curtains.  She’s nagging at this really good looking guy and the guy looks really bored, but he’s still handsome and my Grandma really thought he was the cat’s pajamas…anyway…the nasty, but beautiful woman takes a break from admiring herself in a mirror that keeps telling her how beautiful she is and she notices the hobbit.

“What the blankety blank are you lookin’ at?” she says…the hobbit says…this knight, Sir Laugh-a-lot told me to tell you that he still has a crush on you and if you don’t take him back he’s going to find a princess who sleeps a lot, sometimes YEARS and give her a big old kiss..and he wants to know, ‘how would you like that?”

The nasty woman eats some magic beans, sat on a wall, falls off and breaks into a million pieces..all the king’s horses and all the kings men are trying to put her back together and yet while all of this is going on, she still manages to yell..

“Frankly hobbit…I don’t give a damn.”

I think this is the way the fairy tale goes…at least that’s the way my mother told it to me.