I am zee blue-eyed pony…Am I not beautiful? Am I not fabulous? Am I not conceited? I think I am zee cat’s pajama’s..(which means, really really cool and awesome). Zee girls when they see me, fall in love with me and flutter their eyelashes at me. Zee other boy ponies are beside themselves with jealousy and go pout in the far back of the field. Zee flies do not bother me, and the farmer gives me extra oats..All zat is left to make my life complete is zat you fall in love with me also. Smooches and smooches I send you..
HELLO MY NAME IS PIPSQUEAK. I live under Zannyro’s bed and read her Agatha Christie books when she’s not looking. I apologize for not wearing shoes today, but zannyro says wearing high heels all of the time will give me ugly toes when I’m older. I spend most of my day waiting for Max the dog to come by so that I can jump out and pinch him and then I get to listen to him scream. Everybody has always wondered why he randomly shrieks and runs, so don’t tell them…they’ll make me stop.
(This squirrel does not really live under my bed…I’m positive, because after reading this I went and checked. Apparently it’s living under my bathtub.)
Don’t judge me….I’m just being silly.
Ahem…and now for a little “rap”…
When you’ve got that itch and you just can’t shake it
You do what you’ve gotta do to elim-in-ate it
SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT, SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT
Twist your head way back, lift your leg up high
just be careful that you never kick yourself in the eye
SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT, SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT
If that doesn’t do it and for relief you are stuck
just turn around and bite yourself in your very own (butt)
(sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, it rhymed you know?)
SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT, SHA-BOOM!, DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT
Ahem…my apologies for the “rap”…
MAYBE I’LL POST AN IMAGE LATER..BUT RIGHT NOW SOME OF MY SILLINESS HAS TAKEN OVER…IT COULD BE THE CHOCOLATE I JUST ATE!!
THE SCARY THING IS THAT I’M JUST RACING AROUND SCARING THE DOG AND LOOKING FOR MICE…WHO NEEDS A KITTEN??? I COULD CATCH ALL OF THE MICE SINGLE HANDEDLY…..
SO FAR THIS MORNING I’VE DRIED A LOAD OF TEN SOCKS FOR ONE HOUR…TOO LONG?? I’M SO WIRED I’M NOT A GOOD JUDGE OF IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE THIS AT THE MOMENT….BACK TO THE MICE…..I’LL BET IF I SAT BY THE BASEMENT DOOR AND WAS VERY, VERY QUIET I COULD SURPRISE THE LITTLE ONE ON ROLLER SKATES AND JUMP ON IT AND WRESTLE IT TO THE GROUND AND THEN THROW IT OUT THE DOOR !!!!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO ANOTHER BLOGGER, NOT TEN MINUTES AGO AND THE PINK TUTU CAME UP….I THINK I’LL GO PUT IT ON MY HEAD AND USE IT AS MY MOUSE HUNTING HEADGEAR….I COULD STORE CHEESE IN IT AND MAYBE SOME PEANUT BUTTER…YOU KNOW TO HAVE AT HAND, SO THAT I COULD USE IT TO LURE THE MICE IN…..I COULD ALSO PUT SOME CRACKERS UP IN THE TUTU AND MAYBE A SMALL BOTTLE OF WINE AND I COULD HAVE A PICNIC WHILE I WAITED FOR THE MICE…..
SHHHHHHHHHHH…EVERYBODY BE QUIET….I HEAR SOMETHING……I HEAR TINY LITTLE FOOTSTEPS…..
I’M GOING TO LAY FLAT ON THE FLOOR AND SLIDE MYSELF OVER TO THE FIREPLACE…I THINK I SEE SOMETHING MOVING IN THERE…
SOMEBODY SET THE TIMER ON THE DRYER FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
Somebody tie me down…I’m ready to jump in the car and drive back to see the Big Cats…I don’t know what it is about them, maybe I was a lion tamer in a former life..but if I bought into that explanation for the pull I feel for the cats, then would that mean that I was also a cowgirl in the past?…(my love of horses)…a ballet dancer?…(my issues with a pink tutu)…the owner of a chocolate factory?…( my addiction to chocolate)…a shark?…(my obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to collecting shark’s teeth..22,000 and counting)…
Maybe I was Ansel Adams in a past life…(everybody stop laughing)…was I a beautician?…(well those who know me would know THAT is impossible)…
was I a Vegas entertainer?…(that would explain sitting in a giant pumpkin at Halloween and throwing weird gifts at my guests)….was I some kind of commando?..(my desire to sneak around in black clothes and a ski mask).
No driving to see the Cats today….I’m going to pretend that I was Ernest Hemingway in a former life…lock myself in a room, (which everyone will appreciate) and write….well here’s hoping anyway….
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite cats…”Handsome”.
Alright….you asked for it…….now your gonna be sorry, very, very sorry…….I couldn’t get this tutu on if you turned the clock back twenty years…so this is the best that I could do…….it’s appropriate that it’s on my head…because it’s true purpose is to serve as a source of inspiration…it represents fun and silly….two of my favorite things…….tada!
We’ve met Baldy the Squirrel….The ninja Squirrel….now we have………Glamerossa the Squirrel……She has a way about her….She’s always posing for the paparazzi……batting her eyelashes and sashaying through the back yard….Stopping traffic with her beauty wherever she goes…( Which is a very good talent to have if you’re a squirrel)….
(LOOK AT THAT POSE, SHE’S A NATURAL MODEL…)
It happened again….another crazy dream…..someone out there please tell me what it means when you dream that you are hiding from a cow….
It all started out so normal…in the dream, I was in the front yard, pruning a tree….something I NEVER do…..I can’t even trim or file my nails and have them come out looking somewhat even..It was late in the day and dark…and then it was early afternoon and sunny…o.k., someone explain that to me….and there I was with my handy little chain saw…buzz buzzing away at nothing in particular…and from WAY, WAY off in the distance, I heard the drumming of heavy hooves.
You guessed it… the hooves belonged to a cow..
It finally dawned on me that the cow intended to kick my bottom into the next county….so I began to run…..I wanted to hide from the cow but not finding a good spot to hide, I ran down our road, which, in the dream, had become snowy….I escaped from the cow, but I had dropped all of my credit cards into the street???….So I’m picking them out of the snow, all of the time worrying that the cow would return with a gang to hunt me down…
Imagine my shock when the credit cards turned into candy bars and flew away…..Doctor what does this mean??? As I turned to look at the candy bars floating upward, I saw a band of monkeys coming through the snow, pulling sleighs…each sleigh had five squirrels in it and two raccoons…
I’m not sure about the squirrels but I think they were singing ” row, row, row your boat”. The raccoons not wearing anything special, except for motorcycle helmets and they were picking their teeth…their teeth, not the squirrels teeth. The monkeys were really cute, they had little boots on which happened to be zebra striped and they were shouting ” MOO! ” at the top of their lungs….following closely behind them came my horse friends and they looked FABULOUS! The horses were wearing sombreros and pink tutus…Oh yes…they were also wearing ice skates. I know you’re beside yourselves wondering…..the squirrels were wearing little ski outfits with cool sunglasses.
As this band of misfits came closer to me, they saw me standing in the road … for some reason the sight of me threw them into fits of laughter…The monkeys stopped pulling the squirrels in the sleighs and began to roll around on the ground until they were covered with snow. They looked like frosted animal crackers and I started getting hungry.
The squirrels stopped singing and laughing and with lightning fast speed they jumped on the Monkeys and stole their chocolate….OH! Did I forget to mention that the Monkeys were also wearing pants made of chocolate? Well..that infuriated the Monkeys…of course!…..they now had no chocolate pants and it was cold outside…so they chased after the Squirrels who had raced back to the horses.
The squirrels had latched onto the horses manes with their tiny furry paws and then hidden the chocolate under the horses sombreros…..Well, the monkeys attacked!…They grabbed onto the tiny feet of the squirrels and were trying to crawl up and over the squirrels to get to the chocolate hidden under the sombreros. Now horses don’t like ANYONE to mess with their hats…whether it be a sombrero or a nice baseball cap…so they did what any horse would do….they put their heads down and shook them REALLY HARD…..Monkeys went flying, taking the squirrels with them…luckily for them they were thrown into the bushes just beside me, so it made for a soft landing…..as we looked into each others eyes, we became united in spirit…probably because we were all mad that the horses were eating all of the chocolate…and then we heard it…THE DRUMMING OF HOOVES!! And then it was every man for him or herself!!!!
Was it the cow returning????? I’ll never know,,BECAUSE I WOKE UP!! I woke up covered in chocolate, wearing a tutu and a sombrero.
Will someone please explain this dream to me?
I have weird dreams all of the time…actually, it’s kind of like watching a movie….last night I kept dreaming that every night at 5 p.m. I would walk down the street in this little town..and go into a shoe store..walk all the way to the back..and then I can’t remember what happens next…. The really interesting part of this is that I had a little outpatient surgery this week..(no big deal), and before I went “nighty-night” I quizzed the medical personnel…
Are you sure you know what area you’re focusing on…where did you go to Medical school…Do you hate your Mother… How do you feel about the Doctor that you’re working with today, would you go out for drinks with him, or do you want to go out and puncture his tires?….
After getting the correct answers and just as the “happy juice” was making itself known to my blood system..I told them to make sure that they didn’t do any plastic surgery..I didn’t want to wake up with a Kardashian “Caboose”…( This is absolutely true, nothing like starting off the “fun” with a laugh.
Now the weird part…OH! You thought we were already past the weird part…NO!….Apparently the entire time I talked about wanting to take pictures of women’s shoes…………….my husband said that in recovery I would say, “OH! I have this idea! I want to take pictures of women’s shoes”..two minutes later..again I would say, “OH! I have this idea! I want to take pictures of women’s shoes”…Hubby said hat he started to have an idea..something about giving me a swift kick in the pants…
ANYWAY….that brings us back to the fact that NOW I’m beginning to dream about walking to A SHOE STORE!! So tell me….is this a cosmic message?????? Am I supposed to be photographing shoes????? I’m about to lose a lot of followers if I decide to follow the path that seems to be INSISTING that I follow it…
Dear readers….what shall I do?
Addendum: Except for the part where I question the medical staff…this entire post is TRUE!!!! (Even the Kardashian statement)
Drat…It all happened so fast!! I found out that they had added an actual circus camp to the trapeze school that traumatized me not so long ago. I had no choice..you know me…. I signed up immediately…..In preparation for my entrance to the afore-mentioned circus camp…I went shopping…There is nothing that I love more than spending five hours in a trapeeze apparel store..trying on fabulous outfits..as before, with the help of five to ten shop assistants using crowbars and honey, they slipped me into and out of some really jazzy outfits….afterward they only had to call two ambulances to provide resuscitation for these hardworking, horrified, assistants…… Most of the assistants only required psychiatric evaluation.
But enough about them…I decided that the flaming red number with red rhinestones covering every inch of it , was the number for me…I mean….how could they not give me the best jobs in the circus when I was dressed in the most fabulous outfit ever seen….well, at least in MY mirror anyway….
I spent my first hour of class searching everywhere for the horses that I was sure they were hiding somewhere..even though those pesky instructors kept insisting that I was TOO LARGE and TOO OLD for the camp, I forged ahead in following my dream…I had made up my mind that I would be the headline act and make my grand entrance at the opening of the circus, balanced on my head on the back of a horse as it galloped around and around the circus ring….I would balance a squirrel, dressed in a matching outfit, on one foot and a raccoon with glitter around it’s eyes, on the other foot, amazingly, they actually allowed me to be the opening act..(.Apparently the owners of the circus camp are big chocolate lovers and they accepted my bribe)….
The big night arrived…..the lights turned down low, the spotlight was on ME!! I “THOUGHT” it would be fabulous, what I hadn’t counted on was the high pitched screaming that the squirrel, the horse, the raccoon and myself began doing, the moment we entered the ring ….the monkeys of the circus were angry that they didn’t have sparkly little leotards to wear and so they decided to fling their, well, UNMENTIONABLE, debris at us….hence the screaming..The audience was screaming, (some of the monkeys didn’t have very good aim, and there were some civilian casualties)…and the director of the camp was screaming….something about me leaving and taking my flea-bag friends with me.
I must give up my dream …….those people just don’t appreciate a true artist.
NO…..I’M NOT IN A POT….
AND ALL THAT JAZZ!!
WE HAVE RAIN!!!!!! AND THUNDER!!!!!!!!!!!
(Actually the thunder was so LOUD this morning, that I dreamed one
of the horses tried to accidentally kick me….I reacted so hard physically,
that I almost fell out of bed…well, after that I was AWAKE..!
Just like in the famous children’s story..”The night before Christmas”, I ran
to the window so see what was the matter…
SO MUCH RAIN…splitter splat…splatter, splatter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everybody get on out there and have a great weekend! Chase a cow, jump over a teeny tiny insect, kiss your favorite book,
dance down the aisle of the supermarket, cross your eyes and watch TV. Well, o.k., I know that you’re all not as silly as me, but
if you can, do something that puts a smile on your face
And you thought this would be about some tropical destination,,filled
with images of fruity drinks,,fabulous people lounging on the beach,
tables heaped with GIANT bowls of guacamole…..NOPE!
Just more of my squirrel in paradise….
This little guy was getting a fishing lesson…and he caught a nice one!! The best part of
watching this whole process was when he did ”catch and release”….however, we always
taught the kids to GENTLY place them back in the water…A woman who had also been
watching commented .. “well, now he’s gone and made the fish dizzy”.
Now there’s something to ponder..
Do fish get dizzy?
Do they get headaches and feel the need to go lay down with a cool drink?
Do they use moisturizer because people are always saying…”ewwwww, your skin is really scaly”.
Do they ever choke on water and say, “That went down the wrong pipe”?
What do they do when they get the hiccups? ( We always gargle with water, then quickly bend over and swallow the water..presto!…no hiccups..)
Can they gargle?
How do they keep their teeth so clean?
Do they ask their friends, does this seaweed make my fin look fat?
If a group of fish is called a “school of fish”, how do they carry their text books?
Do fish get sunburns, and if they do, would you call it a “fish fry”?
These are the things that keep me up at night.
Well,,,only three hours and fifteen hours late……….here is the video we were all
going to watch together..I realize from many comments, that a lot of you WERE actually
gathered around your monitors at the same time…so….I guess you were all united at
that moment…by the bond of confusion and frustration……..hope the chocolates were
good and for those of you substituting wine for chocolate..you probably didn’t mind
the mix up HALF as much as the rest of us.
Thanks for being such good sports!
(IT HELPS IF YOU TAKE THIS FULL SCREEN}
So here’s the thing……………..about the squirrel..There IS a bald-headed squirrel.
The problem is, he’s just too fast for me, for Peanut Butter and for Jelly.
SO……………………………on the advice of Council (you know who you are Sonel),
I’ve decided to come clean about the squirrels appearing in the Squirrel-O-Mentary.
A while back, but AFTER, I had already discovered the bald-headed squirrel and Nia
had knitted and sent the hats, something occurred.
Quite a few people here in my little world, knew about my plans for Baldy…Someone let
me know that they had “taxidermy” squirrels that they were going to get rid of.
I couldn’t stand the thought that these little squirrels were going to be gotten rid of.
They were possibly going to end up in the trash and there was NO WAY, I wanted that to
SO………………………….I gave them a home….They are my “Rescue” squirrels.
It took awhile for me to get over my aversion to their “condition”, but now I feel very
fond of them..they have their own little cabinet that they live in.
I told my husband that they were not going to have died in vain..actually, I stood right in
front of both he and my daughter and told one of the squirrels that they were going to have “long” lives.
I told it that it was going to have a long life making people happy. It sounds weird, I know,
but as a child I couldn’t go to sleep unless all of my dolls were covered up under their
little blankets. The blankets couldn’t cover their noses, because then they wouldn’t be
able to “breathe”. So now you know THAT about me.
SO………………………….that’s the story…I’m going to sit here and hold my
breath..waiting to see if you all hate me because of this deception….I almost died from lack of oxygen waiting
to hear back from “council”, hoping she would still speak to me. Not her fault, she didn’t
know I was holding my breath.
I’m glad I told you…I feel a little better now…..BUT….can the story continue?
P.S. Poor Jelly,,he came home for the Easter weekend..I had put a note on the cabinet
warning everyone NOT to open the cabinet if they didn’t want to freak-out..I also
wrote squirrel on the note..well, while I was out to dinner the note fell off the cabinet,
Jelly opened it and nearly had a heart attack…TWO squirrels were looking out at
him…because I feed the wildlife, and we actually HAD a little squirrel get in the
house once he thought they were real…poor Jelly..I felt kind of bad.
Please forgive me..heehee