This is not a test of your detective abilities…I just want to avoid any lawsuits that I might accidentally trigger…
Yes, I want, and think I would be GREAT AT, a job in the internet world with that mega-brilliant information company….the idea that I would be a perfect fit came to me as I was eating only the TOPS off of some mini candy bars…my mind raced and I could almost SEE the questions appearing on my computer, waiting desperately for answers..
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….I’m here.desperately waiting for an answer…If you just eat the chocolate top off of a candy bar does that mean you’re only getting half the calories?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE….Well it depends, are you eating the nuts in the top layer too, or spitting them out?
SEARCHER….Well, I spit them out, but I go back and eat them later…
SNOOGLE RESPONSE….Do you eat ANY, AND I MEAN ANY, of the nougat on the bottom?
SEARCHER….Well if it’s on my lips I have to lick it off don’t I?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…Do you lick the inside of the wrapper?
SEARCHER…well of course, I mean, those are free calories aren’t they?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…Shut up. You’re going to eat the whole thing eventually so just do it…I mean just do it…get it over with and shut up…this is the most stupid question I’ve had all day. Don’t you dare send me another question..I’m done….I mean it…I’ll call my supervisor…I have a question here about a dirty diaper that’s been waiting to be answered and I’ve been wasting ALL OF THIS TIME with your moronic question…Shut up.
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….If I sit my vacuum out in the middle of the living room and start the dryer running just before my husband gets home…is that considered being dishonest or just incredibly clever…
SNOOGLE RESPONSE……I have no un-biased answer for this…my husband accused me of this very thing…(but I think it’s really clever)
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….If I choose not to paint my toenails, does that mean that my husband has the legal right to divorce me?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…..Does he trim the hair out of his ears? If he chooses not to and he comments on your lack of candy apple red toe nail polish…tell him to SHUT UP! Now come ON people…ask me about something important. ask me some questions about purses…..like, why can’t a woman ever find the right purse….why do they never have the right number of pockets inside….why can’t they design a purse that has a sensor in it and whenever a gooey mint or a half stick of gum with hair stuck on it, falls to the bottom, it would just spit it out…why is it that just when you think you’ve found the perfect purse, you realize it doesn’t close with a zipper …it would be perfect if it had a zipper.
OH! SNOOGLE ALSO WANTED TO ADD….a “party” purse should have a special compartment..one for carrying hubby’s stuff at parties…it would shrink it all down to the size of a pea..(and them spit it out onto the floor).
Today class, we will discuss the importance of thinking before you speak…
I thought I’d share with you some sentences that have remained burned in my memory over the years. These sentences were used in different circumstances by different people, but in each case a little thought before speaking would have been wise.
Our first sentence….”There’s a hammer on your bumper”. Sadly these words were uttered by “moi”. Many moons ago, I was riding down a highway in the car with my family ..I think we were on some sort of vacation, driving along for hours. I had a primo seat….a WINDOW seat! I could see EVERYTHING…and not wanting to waste the experience, I was watching the cars pass us. For some reason, I would get very nervous if our car passed someone else…I think I felt that this was a VERY risky thing to do. I don’t even want to re-live the emotions that went through me when we passed great big semi-trailer trucks…(complete and total terror).
So we’re driving along, and then my father went for it…he passed another car…to insure that the other car would behave itself and remain in its own lane, I watched the other car with intense concentration. And then I saw it….this car was speeding down the highway…WITH A HAMMER ON IT’S BUMPER!! I felt an over-whelming sense of urgency…I needed to tell the driver of the other car!!! I immediately opened my mouth and spoke without thinking…I made direct eye contact with the other driver, pointed my finger at his bumper and said, ” THERE’S A HAMMER ON YOUR BUMPER!!!”….mind you, we’re driving 55 miles an hour…everyone had their windows up. The driver didn’t slow down, or pull over or ANYTHING….and so again I said, in a much louder voice, “THERE’S A HAMMER ON YOUR BUMPER!!” Again, I made frantic pointing gestures at the driver, and then at the bumper….the driver just stared at me.
I didn’t even have time to register frustration…my family started convulsing with laughter…..and to this day, someone…(yes, Mother, I mean you) will get a big laugh out of the time I didn’t ” Think before you speak”…..Hmmmm, maybe that’s why they let me have the window seat more often…just to see what I’d say. Drat…That reminds me of another sentence. It happened on ANOTHER family vacation..and a car we were passing had a rope on it’s roof….you guessed it..” THERE’S A ROPE ON YOUR ROOF!!.
Our next example, another sentence was uttered by me in a car with lots of family in it…but this time I had the FRONT SEAT PASSENGER WINDOW!! WaHoo!! Of course I was an adult, and the Mother of the car, so maybe this seat assignment was to be expected…Anyway, again we’re on a family vacation….It was a hot and humid day and the sun was beating down….the kiddos had been whooping it up..alternately fighting and then having fits of hysterical laughter in the backseat for hours and my brain must have been fried from trying to distract them from EACH OTHER…(that is my excuse for the following) ..I was staring at the billboards that we were zooming past to distract myself and way off in the distance I saw a billboard that shocked me. Once again I didn’t think before speaking and I blurted out the following…” LOOK AT THAT SIGN!…IT SAYS IT’S 106 DEGREES OUTSIDE!!!”. My wonderful hubby cleared his throat and politely informed me that I was looking at a sign that was posting the price of premium gasoline being sold at a gas station..once again the kids got hysterical..but at least they were laughing. Now you know how long ago this happened…gas..1.06 per gallon…( I had my children when I was ten..I’m still quite young.)
A similar experience…AGAIN..driving with the family, this time through Nashville…..the home of country music…naturally they sell every kind of country/cowboy clothing you could want. Once again I was in the place of honor…reserved for “Mom”…Way up ahead of us I saw something amazing! I had never seen anything like it before and I didn’t want anyone in the car to miss seeing it so I yelled out, “LOOK UP AHEAD!!, LOOK AT THOSE GIANT BOOTS! THEY’RE HUGE!! THEY MUST BE TEN FEET TALL!!”. The boots WERE ten feet tall, it’s just that they were images on a billboard..not..real..cowboy boots…sigh…
Our last sentence was spoken by my oldest Son when he was going to college in Montana…His campus was beautiful, but of course, VERY cold in winter…Now I love my son VERY much, but he might have wanted to think this one through before saying it to his MOTHER WHO WORRIES TOO MUCH….He called me up and after some deep emotional sharing of his past week…..(example..Me to Son..”How was your week?”..Son replies..”fine”. Me to Son..”What’s the weather like?” Son replies.. “Fine”.) Ah yes, the kind of connecting a Mother lives for…anyway just before Son is about to hang up..he says, ” I got frost bite on my ears, but the nurse says they’re not going to break off.” HE REALLY SAID THIS TO ME! THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED CLASS!!!..truly, this really did happen..”THE NURSE SAYS THEY’RE NOT GOING TO BREAK OFF!!”..Oh Lord, help me now….Just saying..this is one of those times he might have wanted to.. ” think before you speak”. In case you’re wondering..six years of therapy later, I can repeat those words and not curl up into the fetal position.
OH! After writing all of this I realize I don’t need to go get those tests done to determine why I say such random, stupid stuff, I thought this was something new that I was doing, but……………….I’ve been doing it all along!
I hope that this has been helpful to you class…and if it hasn’t…well….I saved myself the cost of a visit to a shrink.
Looking back on the “dreams” that I have pursued lately, I have realized why they were so spectacularly disappointing. I should have been focusing on something that I had a passion for….Am I passionate about Trapeze? No…but I could be. Am I passionate about stunt plane flying and wing-walking?..NO!! AND I NEVER WILL BE!! Do I have a passion for gold? Hmmmmmmmmm..don’t rush me, I’m thinking! What AM I passionate about? Those of you who know me well, will not be surprised…those of you who don’t know me well…..are lucky.
I have a passion for chocolate, for childish treats of the candy variety..
NEVER was there such a passion!
Forget Cleopatra and Mark Antony..
Forget Queen Elizabeth Taylor and Sir Richard Burton..
Forget Kim Kardashian and Herself…
THIS! THIS IS A PASSION!! I decided to pursue this passion, KNOWING that only success awaited me. I applied for a job at a candy factory and while awaiting the results, I went shopping for a fabulous candy ensemble. Did you know that this apparel is available? It is, but it’s HARDLY the type of fashion statement that my fans expect from me…I needed something Red Carpet worthy…something that would dazzle the world when the paparazzi flashed my picture across the world… something….SPARKLY!
Having decided upon my “look”, I jumped into my Jumbo jet and flew one block to the “FABULOUS AND I KNOW IT” store. The first thing I saw when I blasted through the front door was an amazing Chef’s hat, bedecked with shimmering lips, yes, you read me right…I said LIPS…”SOLD” I shouted!
Tucked just behind the Chef’s hat was a dress of incredible beauty…SEQUINS, SEQUINS EVERYWHERE!! Sewn onto the dress in an explosive swirling pattern, it was impossible to resist..adding to the mind-blowing beauty of this dress was the presence of Large pockets covering the dress…yes, you read me right, LARGE POCKETS….”SOLD! I shouted!
All that was needed for my outfit to be complete, was footwear. What I needed was at that very moment being worn by the shop owner….absolutely, hands-down the most amazing pair of rain boots I’ve ever seen..bright, bright yellow with BIG orange polka dots…….just like a Swiss Army knife, I could push a button and out from the sides of the boots would pop little tiny shovels…yes,you read me right….I said TINY SHOVELS….”SOLD”! I shouted!
Upon flying my Jumbo jet back down the block with all of my purchases, I received wonderful news!….I GOT THE JOB!!
On my first day of work, I arrived, pulse pounding, to begin “living the dream”. My job, as you may have guessed, was to work on “the line”…..wrapping candy, all the while keeping up with the conveyor belt..shades of ”I LOVE LUCY”. How many times had I seen that episode? Due to my many viewings of Lucy in a panic, I had learned…I was prepared………there would be no panic for me…The best part of the job was that we were told that we could eat all of the candy that we wanted…the perfect job.
Before I knew it,,,the job began…the conveyor belt came moving along, with “kisses” to wrap…ooooooohhh…..My mouth watered….this is where the hat with all of the lips on it proved to be useful….I could continue wrapping and every few moments toss a handful of “kisses” up to the hat…the lips would open, in would pop the tiny chocolates….mmmmmmm…HEAVEN!! I had done well, all of the little kisses were wrapped and it was time for the next candy treat to be wrapped….
Next to be wrapped were little bags of Candy Corn…the goal was to gather up the little bags and pack them into a large bag. Twenty-four little bags per large bag….Just as I had suspected, this time round, they sped up the conveyor belt…did I panic? NO! I was prepared…this is where the large pockets all over my dress proved to be useful…the moment the line went zipping by, I clapped my hands and in each pocket a squirrel popped up! They were remarkable, they knew what they were to do and their little flying, furry paws snatched up the little bags and in a twinkling they were stuffed into a large bag. WAS I PROUD?? I WAS PROUD!! Two products successfully handled! What would come next? Next came chocolate covered peanuts….all I had to do was to scoop the piles of peanuts into a small can, snap the lid on and “Presto-Change-O”….onto the next pile of chocolate peanuts…
I was ready!! How could anything be easier? As I began to scoop up the peanuts, I became aware of a disturbance in my large pockets…they were moving around in a fury! It was like watching five cats in a bag having a fist-fight!! I looked in alarm to discover that there were “stow-aways” on board!! The monkeys had somehow managed to snuggle deep down into the large pockets when I wasn’t looking as I dressed for work….they were now trying to shove the squirrels up and out of the pockets so that they could get to the conveyor belt and the chocolate covered peanuts!! The squirrels were FURIOUS!! They began pelting the monkeys with the little bags of Candy Corn that they had hidden away in the pockets….did the monkeys care? NO THEY DID NOT!! They fought their way to the conveyor belt….peanuts were flying, corn was whizzing past my ears and a mixture of both was embedded in my hair!…..The squirrels were ENRAGED at the mistreatment of the peanuts and corn and they leapt onto the conveyor belt….squirrels and monkeys were rolling everywhere, locked in battle. Who knew how this was going to end??? I DID!!…I had seen an emergency hose secured to the wall, I grabbed the hose, flipped the switch and showered them with liquid chocolate…..This is where the boots and little shovels proved to be useful…
With the boots keeping my feet dry and the tiny shovels digging wildly, I was easily able to clear a path through the peanuts, corn, liquid chocolate and “unmentionable debris” that had been added to the mix when the squirrels and monkeys got “hosed”….
Another dream….down the drain.
Well……..the marathon continues.
You may have read earlier that my Mother had her 80th birthday last week…well, this week it
was my husband’s birthday..they celebrate three days apart…we decided to have a big party for
HIM this weekend…so in between getting chased by big scary trucks, getting rear-ended and
having someone pull out in front of me yesterday…I’ve been getting ready for a big blowout!
Now this has been somewhat tiring in between the car stuff and the ninja squirrel alerts…
CLEANING…SHOPPING…GARDENING…CLEANING…AND….TRYING TO SOLVE A MYSTERY.
This is us….many years ago…….what do you think of that dress girls??
Now isn’t that a handsome man????
Now here’s what I’m reflecting on and MEN….I want you to help me out here……..
WHY does a man need to use three bathrooms??? One to shower in….One to shave in….and one to blow his nose in….
(this is the one that I found two wastebaskets full of used tissues in, hidden away in a cabinet)
I need answers.
Had fun last week watching feats of “daring-do” on the high seas!
These kite surfers are amazing!! When I first saw them doing this, I thought they
were holding on to the kites with their bare hands….DUH….the kites would have
been gone in one second flat……this has to be the most amazing feeling!
Now I thought about how it would actually feel, and what my thoughts at that
moment would be, and here they are….
1. I AM GOING TO DIE….
2. DOES MY REAR END LOOK SMALLER WHEN I’M HIGHER OFF THE GROUND?
3. THIS HELMET IS GOING TO RUIN MY HAIR.
4. DID I FORGET TO FEED THE CAT THIS MORNING?
5. I WONDER HOW LONG IT WILL BE UNTIL THEY FIND MY BODY?
6. I JUST KNOW MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO REMARRY WITHIN SIX MONTHS.
7. DOES IT REALLY FEEL LIKE YOUR HITTING CONCRETE WHEN YOU HIT THE WATER AT HIGH SPEED?
8. WHILE THE PLASTIC SURGEON IS REPAIRING MY FACE, AFTER LANDING, I WONDER IF HE COULD DO
LIPOSUCTION ON MY THIGHS?
9. DARN……. I FORGOT TO USE THE BATHROOM BEFORE I LEFT THE HOUSE.
10. IF I JUST LET GO FOR ONE SECOND, I CAN REACH THAT CANDY BAR IN MY POCKET…
WHATEVER YOU DO TODAY, HAPPY LANDINGS!!!!
Can you feel it????? Do you hear it in the whisper of the wind? I’m surprised
that you can’t, I’ve been out in my backyard bellowing for the little bald-headed
squirrel everyday..can’t understand why he hasn’t shown up…BUT NEW DEVELOPMENTS!
TODAY …… I have brought in an EXPERT !!!!!!!
He should arrive in just a few short hours and I KNOW that we will soon have our
CORONATION!! Everything is READY!! Next week,,and I’m talking EARLY next week,
get your chairs ready again….be ready to set the phones to vibrate…call your
friends and neighbors and have pizza beforehand…you know,,,this is just
like the superbowl…IT’S THE SUPER SQUIRREL-O-MENTARY!!!!!!
If any of you can still find them in your closets, go get out your squirrel ear hats,
your peanut hats and vests,,(see previous post). If you do not have any, trust me,
a bag of peanuts a glue gun and any shirt and hat that you have handy will work
just fine. I need committed, vocal, extroverted fan support….It would be awesome if
you could post pictures of yourself and your guests on your post..Then you
could come here and provide us all with the link!! Ooooooohhhhh,,,If you know
of a better, more efficient way to do this, let me know!
If this is to become a world-wide event..(and apparently it is already), then we all need to do our
part…spread the word…sell those peanut t-shirts, share your candy, cinnamon rolls,
tootsie rolls, and the resulting fat rolls with the WHOLE WORLD. Actually, I wouldn’t share
too much, visually, of the fat rolls….we’re trying to keep this a “Classy” event.
Yes I know, your living rooms or whatever room contains your computer could become too crowded
with anxious, gum chewing, popcorn munching, chocolate crazed fans…but is this too
high a price to pay for a LIFE-CHANGING event? I think not…you can always get the
furniture and carpet cleaned. As long as you keep it to a one drink minimum, how
much damage could your home really suffer?
Now we’re the Squirrel-o-mentary team right? So I just want to say thank you ahead of
time, to all of you fabulous team players out there. I may become too famous later and
I won’t remember your names…so THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,!!!!!
NOW GO OUT THERE AND STOCK UP ON SUPPLIES…PUT YOUR UNWILLING NEIGHBORS AND FRIENDS
ON SPEED-DIAL SO THAT YOU CAN KEEP THEM UP-DATED…. GO TEAM!!!!!!!