This is not a test of your detective abilities…I just want to avoid any lawsuits that I might accidentally trigger…
Yes, I want, and think I would be GREAT AT, a job in the internet world with that mega-brilliant information company….the idea that I would be a perfect fit came to me as I was eating only the TOPS off of some mini candy bars…my mind raced and I could almost SEE the questions appearing on my computer, waiting desperately for answers..
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….I’m here.desperately waiting for an answer…If you just eat the chocolate top off of a candy bar does that mean you’re only getting half the calories?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE….Well it depends, are you eating the nuts in the top layer too, or spitting them out?
SEARCHER….Well, I spit them out, but I go back and eat them later…
SNOOGLE RESPONSE….Do you eat ANY, AND I MEAN ANY, of the nougat on the bottom?
SEARCHER….Well if it’s on my lips I have to lick it off don’t I?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…Do you lick the inside of the wrapper?
SEARCHER…well of course, I mean, those are free calories aren’t they?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…Shut up. You’re going to eat the whole thing eventually so just do it…I mean just do it…get it over with and shut up…this is the most stupid question I’ve had all day. Don’t you dare send me another question..I’m done….I mean it…I’ll call my supervisor…I have a question here about a dirty diaper that’s been waiting to be answered and I’ve been wasting ALL OF THIS TIME with your moronic question…Shut up.
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….If I sit my vacuum out in the middle of the living room and start the dryer running just before my husband gets home…is that considered being dishonest or just incredibly clever…
SNOOGLE RESPONSE……I have no un-biased answer for this…my husband accused me of this very thing…(but I think it’s really clever)
ONLINE SEARCH QUESTION….If I choose not to paint my toenails, does that mean that my husband has the legal right to divorce me?
SNOOGLE RESPONSE…..Does he trim the hair out of his ears? If he chooses not to and he comments on your lack of candy apple red toe nail polish…tell him to SHUT UP! Now come ON people…ask me about something important. ask me some questions about purses…..like, why can’t a woman ever find the right purse….why do they never have the right number of pockets inside….why can’t they design a purse that has a sensor in it and whenever a gooey mint or a half stick of gum with hair stuck on it, falls to the bottom, it would just spit it out…why is it that just when you think you’ve found the perfect purse, you realize it doesn’t close with a zipper …it would be perfect if it had a zipper.
OH! SNOOGLE ALSO WANTED TO ADD….a “party” purse should have a special compartment..one for carrying hubby’s stuff at parties…it would shrink it all down to the size of a pea..(and them spit it out onto the floor).
HIDE UNDER YOUR BEDS !!!!!!
I’m sending this to you from my secret hideaway,
under the bed, things
have reached a crisis and I am not yet in possession of my Superhero
Gather food, water, candles, chocolate, (what am I, a dope? Of course there
would be chocolate), magazines, shoelaces, chocolate milk, toothpaste,
a potato and dress shoes..!!!!!!!!!!!
Ten! I said Ten! warrior squirrels have gathered outside
my window into the woods!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took this brief moment to warn you all to take precautions in case this
would spiral out of control and affect your beloved nations…..warn the
authorities….I have called a sheriff’s deputy and the head of our local
zoo. They seem unimpressed.
I’ll report back when all of my emergency preparations have been made
and I’ve had time to gather my supplies under the bed….wash my hair….
read a magazine and polished my toenails…
THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF……..
And you thought this would be about some tropical destination,,filled
with images of fruity drinks,,fabulous people lounging on the beach,
tables heaped with GIANT bowls of guacamole…..NOPE!
Just more of my squirrel in paradise….