NO MIRROR, MIRROR FOR ME…..
Nope, no “mirror, mirror” for me…give me a crystal ball to peer into any day!! My story is going to ramble,,so buckle your seat belts…. I’ve given this following the dream business a lot of thought,,,and while I was thinking, I realized that there is a place I have already gone with this dream business……I have this feeling that I may have looked right past my true calling….BEING AN ENTERTAINER!!! TUT-TUT-TAH-DA!! I must revisit some experiences from the past…some of you will be familiar with this…some will not….some will wish they were familiar with this.. some will DEFINITELY be glad they are not familiar with this… I needed to pick a Holiday…Holidays are good for entertaining…..not Easter.. no bunny costume for me, I’m a liberated woman after all……. Halloween! There’s a holiday for you!…
Candy, costumes, lights….oooooooooohhhhhhhhh…. Now be warned ahead of time…there are no monkeys, no raccoons, no squirrels and no horses in this story……well, perhaps a horse…. I needed a proper setting for my “Act”….I decided that FIRST I would sew a GIANT pumpkin tent that I could sit in…how hard could that be? I didn’t own a sewing machine, or even sew very well…BUT I KNEW I COULD DO IT!!!!!!! Well…I DID do it, but the pumpkin tent seemed kind of tame after awhile….not enough DAZZLE- FRAZHINGA going on….so I collected up HUGE amounts of sequined fabric..Rose colored, shimmery silver colored, and soft pink colored sequined fabric…inside and outside, the walls would shimmer….TOTAL DAZZLE-FRAZHINGA going on!!!! After a great deal of experimentation, I have found that eating huge amounts of “milk-dud” candy makes the sewing just FLY by….before you know it, you’ve sewn everything together…unfortunately, I sewed the back to the front and one side to the other side, so there was no way to use it..there was no way to open it, therefore no way to get in it….WHAT TO DO?? MORE MILK-DUD CANDYS!! Before I knew it, I had everything sorted out.. (and I felt kind of sick)…..but onward I had to go….THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!
Now I didn’t want to sit there in the dark did I ?? I mean, how would the the walls glimmer and shimmer?? To solve this problem I first threw a large handful of Milk Dud’s down my throat and got to work.. I attached a huge amount of Christmas lights to the inside of the “roof” of the pumpkin. OH THE BEAUTY, THE BLINDING BEAUTY!!! I now had a fabulous setting in which to showcase our star! ME!
What to do next? MUSIC!!! Every entertainer has an opening act, don’t they?? I searched until I could find some really crazy music that I could play on my little portable music thingy….It would be fabulous, I would sit in the dark, in the tent, wait for the right moment and “WAMMO”!!!!!….Hit the audience with the wild and crazy music.. really wow them with my intro, you know…Actually, Wilson Pickett’s “Night of a Thousand Dances” blew their socks off……but I digress…as soon as the music ended, the front panels would be pulled back, I would flip the switch on the lights and there would be MAGIC!!!!! What magic you ask? Well MYSELF….and my FABULOUSLY costumed audience, interacting together, We would make magic!
But before any of this could take place….I needed to create a costume…….But what should my costume be??
THINK, THINK!, I told myself….where did you hide that candy bar??..,OH!, right, the costume….I decided upon what else?,….. a FABULOUS sequined gown…now in reality this gown consisted of a large piece of sequined fabric with a hole for my head cut into it..and some uneven sleeves that I somehow managed to sew into “The Gown”. I decided that this get-up was lacking DRAMA, so I purchased a gorgeous blond wig….(which I still wear out to dinner when I feel like assuming my alter ego…super spy..”flame”). The costume was still lacking something so I added a “turban” covered in GIANT sequins!!! I had to sew the turban to the wig in order to make it stay on. I then glued tons of big shiny rhinestones onto an old necklace, put on 14 fake “diamond” rings….and enough make-up to qualify for clown school. I was GORGEOUS, FABULOUS …….I was, in a word……frightening.
The evening arrived…my career as an entertainer was officially launched..the guests were ready for a show….I had to admire their enthusiasm…..their choice of costumes left me breathless…..there WAS a horse at the party…..one couple staggered in, in a horse costume…..in my opinion, using the husband as the horse’s rear end was the obvious choice…..he LIVED the part.
I neglected to mention earlier that I had a suitcase full of candy in the tent with me….I also had gifts for everyone in attendance……and so the show began…
The candy came in handy….when the crowd got fidgety, I just pelted them with handfuls of mini chocolate bars, Milk Duds, etc. I had only a few complaints from people who were hit in the head with flying tootsie rolls…..and those who had chocolate kisses land in their drinks, were only slightly annoyed….
It was like Christmas! Oh the JOY! Oh the WONDER! Oh the MAYHEM!! Things were going so well..the woman dressed as a box of cereal, (you know who you are) LOVED the mannequin leg I gave her…..the guy wearing the toupee was OVER-JOYED with the plaster of Paris replica of my foot! And the gal who came as Marilyn Monroe FELL IN LOVE with the flying pig I gave her…..she didn’t even mind when I asked her to leave…..well I had to didn’t I ? She was distracting my audience….standing over the heat vent in the floor and letting her dress blow up over her head while singing “Happy Birthday Mr. president” is just bound to distract an audience.
Things were going really well until I gave one divine man his gift…..well, as with everyone else, I made him come forward to claim his gift…..I was not prepared for what happened next…he bent and kissed my hand! Now you might think that I would have “swooned” from the thrill of it all…but NO! Not I! I was so surprised that I rolled over backward, feet flying up in the air!! (luckily it was a long gown)…when I regained my dignity, and was again sitting upright I made a discovery….my turban and my wig had become entangled in the bright sparkly Christmas lights…so much for regaining my dignity….It took a strong man in a “haz-mat” suit, a chick dressed as Batgirl and the Phantom of the Opera to free me from the clutches of the “roof” of the pumpkin….all in all, a very rewarding career choice….And all of this REALLY happened.
PULL BACK THE CURTAINS!!!!!!!!
(Here you go Mom)